Taking Your Lumps - Week 4

Despite what my mug might say, I am not the "World's Greatest Dad"... in fact, I don't even have a "World's Greatest Dad" mug which I hope does not change, and also I hope does not represent some deep seeded fear about my current patriarchy.

 Not to be down on myself, I am deeply in love with being Dad, deeply invested in the well being of my children, deeply engaged in their daily lives, but also deeply inexperienced, tragically misinformed, and ultimately unqualified...

Which is good, because that puts me in a class with so many other dads out there.  And just because I use Instagram to remind me what I did only one week ago does not make me a bad father...

 The week began with a cold. The weather was not cold, but the snot dripping would make you think it was well into December. I didn't want to wear the boys out because the longer the nose drips the more likely the rest of us come down with the same debilitation.

Monday we got a movie day. There wasn't much planned anyway, save playing on the deck and eating so it didn't really get in the way, and the oldest was psyched that the TV still worked. I figured by Tuesday we'd be gold if we could get some sleep, and kept the activity to Arts & Crafts.

 The oldest gets paints, the youngest gets crayons, and the Father gets to have fun feigning art skill while teaching two active young gentlemen to stay engaged in one activity at a time for a while. It took him two days, but we did create a "masterpiece".

Tuesday it appeared that the cold was abating, however I started to feel the tell-tale signs of oncoming mucous explosions and again decided that easier would be better. So we stayed around home for the second day. The yard is a great place to be when you can't be anywhere else, although it makes it hard to get stuff done in the house.

 Infants can choke on anything in mere moments. Sometimes the only evidence that it happened is a bit of puke on the deck and a strange pin-prick rash under an eye, and a bit of scleral-staining... If you're reading this as a novice, I think it's important to share our failures if only to reveal that there is a fine line between helicopter parenting and negligence and sometimes you find yourself on the wrong side of the fence. When it turns out well you drop to your knees, hold your boy tight in your arms, shake a little, kiss a lot, and praise Jesus for protecting the ones you love. And when it doesn't.... Well that's why we tear up during commercials after becoming a parent. No nightmare can compare.

 On a funnier note, my boys are both rather sensitive to mosquito bites. You can't keep them totally bug-free in the summer, especially when they are out at the lake, but man, when they get one; it lasts a long time, and sometimes has funny, John Merrick-like consequences.

By Wednesday the youngest was both teething, and dealing with a full on cold, and the oldest was getting a bit squirrelly. A bit... hah! So we flew kites. Brilliant fun. It was a chance to get out in the neighbourhood, connect with neighbours with children the same age, and take part in a timeless bonding activity.

"I think George would be proud!" exclaims the oldest, referring to the classic Curious George Flies A Kite that he's memorized. "I'm the best kite-flyer in the whole world ever." He completes. Which, of course, he is!

Thursday found us back at the library for story-time which the boys are starting to feel more comfortable participating in, even if the more they participate the less comfortable in public their Dad is. A quick stop for the Captain to the park, and we were off to our first dental appointment.

The "Dentist" is a place where a Dad can feel either great pride in his son, or great pride in knowing no one else can contain him either. Which boy would arrive at the appointment was anyone's guess... but man was I proud walking out.

My last failure as a father is my inability to allow my wife to purchase a boat, so, out of great pity and empathy a friend from church, an older friend of my Father-in-Law, offered us a trip out to Chestermere Lake so he could take us tubing and water skiing.

I expressed as much reluctance as would seem polite*, and Friday morning we had one of those perfect days you see only on Lottery Commercials.

And we're still not getting a boat.

 *if someone offers you a trip in a boat, reluctance of any type is rude. I'm sorry you had to look this up.

Fighting the Bad Guy - Week 3

Into the third week I realized that my WonderKit task list was being ignored.  I had figured out my daily routine and only needed to pull it up now and again to remind myself how easy it is to think you're getting it all done only to realize the three things you've forgotten you had to do... it's just like a real job!

So I joined Instagram.  Also...

I'd moved on to this "Self-Help" app called "SuperBetter" that puts everything necessary for a happy healthy lifestyle into the form of a video game.  Very cool idea... worth looking up.  It's most fun looking at your procrastination, disorganization, and electronic-distraction as fighting bad-guys...  this week certainly illustrated how I am definitely the villain in my own story.
Monday was fun.  Full of failures but us men bonded...

Since then it's been pretty fun-filled.  A quick trip to the electronics shop for a sheepish return; "why?" they ask -- oh because it was too expensive for my DW to handle... you know how it is... chuff chuff... deep shame..."

By Wednesday I was getting tired of Evan asking "are we going to Grandpa's house NOW?" and answering, "No, Wednesday Evan, that's ______ days from now..." "Why?" "Because Grandpa has work to do..." "But why?"  "Oh, right, you don't know anything do you..."

So we went to Grandpa's house and enjoyed the sunshine, the mock-pool and some pancakes done on the BBQ.  I'll leave that one for you to imagine.

By Friday we had been back to the zoo -- the penguins were at their best.  Our friend Kare providing accompaniment and some fresh excitement about being back at the zoo.  She bought us a snack to cool us down under the sun... forgetting that the oldest doesn't like chocolate (I know, right?!) we let him try a pickle-on-a-stick... well - more like a large-brined-cucumber... this thing weighed more than 2 pounds easily.

He wasn't really too happy with that so we laughed and Aunty Kare bought him a popsicle.  I ate the pickle. I got a tummy-ache... I regretted eating the pickle at roughly 2am.  But it was worth the laugh.

We did get a morning with Mom down town which was a huge highlight for everyone, and every-so-often the boy slows down and just reads to himself. I have proof.

But as I watched the youngest do a header down the back stairs yesterday I realized that I've got a long way to go...

PS:  Big thanks to my father-in-law and his friend Morris for fixing the brakes in my car, and watching the boys while I finally got to the hair-cut issue...

So why was Monday so epic?  I didn't have any pictures to go with it, so I saved the best for last...

In week 2 I had purchased a stereo for the living room under the guise that it would improve our lives immensely to have measurably excellent sound emanating from a central location/gathering point within our humble abode.  And we all know that goes. Well...

After she got past the sheer immensity of a 12" sub-woofer, and I had convinced her that the 80's had not called and asked for their receiver back we had but to wait for my three channel bar-speaker to arrive on special order so I could get it all set-up.

Monday night I got the phone call, by 10pm I had it set up and we sat down to watch some high-def Netflix and... it... was... underwhelming.  I was certain that when I showed how you can run video through an audio receiver, and how their is an iPod remote that controls the system, and that you can watch one thing on the t.v. and listen to another thing elsewhere in the house that the shock would cause her to swoon, and I would catch her, kiss her back to life and she would say, "my hero, how your manly stereo completes our country ensemble so elegantly".... but that didn't happen.  Why?  I don't really know...  I was sure the guy at the store told me it was nothing short of a guarantee...

By Tuesday morning it was all packed up and back at the store.  And I feel all gooey on the inside for doing something right.

By the way.  Don't set up a high-end stereo system with a three year old who can't sleep bouncing around the living room.  It's bad for EVERYBODY.  I generally don't lose my cool, I often look at these situations as "including my son in the lessons of life as a male" however in this case... well let's just leave it at that...

The same day I tweeted about how you should not necessarily involve your boys in the delicate art of curtain hanging either.  The story goes:

Feeling heroic, our humble hero, on gentle prodding from a glib and mechanical iPod reminder-banner decided that it was time to finally re-hang those curtains that had been sweeping the floors in our room for the better part of the past year.  Out came the drill-motor, and wall anchors, levels, and screw drivers.  The boys, fascinated by noise and the smell of gyp-rock dust, were like flies to a dung-heap... learning that not only is it okay to write on the walls, but you can drill holes in them as well.

Never - let me be clear; NEVER put your drill down with the 5/8" bit still in it if you're not okay with holes in your wall...  "But WHY Daddy?"  Also -- keep your pencil behind your ear at all times.  If it falls off, while you sweat-away holding the curtain-bar two feet above your head, thelevel in one hand while you balance precariously on a soft foot-stool, then STOP what it is you're doing and really think about if you are qualified to be doing this job.  Then extract the pencil from your 1yo old's mouth, and start again.

What lesson have we learned from Week 3?  Don't get cocky.  You might think that by the third week you are now super-dad.  You've got everything worked out, and nothing can surprise you.  Kids won't get hurt, you've got eyes in the back of your head... there's no way he'll put THAT in his mouth...

Building an Arsenal - Week 2

Well, here goes.

I promised that I would build myself (and the boys) an arsenal with which to battle out our days.  It wasn't quite as epic, or as dangerous as I had hoped.  I have to limit the amount of poky things, and things with blades, and anything that can be used as a projectile because (as it turns out) creative children come up with creative weaponry.

However, in the absence of dangerous implements my 3yo has resorted to starting a game of "Chase me Around the Furniture" to get the 1yo to move fast enough that the close-line really knocks him flat... we're working on the gentle play.  For now we're limited to semi-aggressive pummelling.

But I digress...  The arsenal:

1. Backpack:  Must contain extra-diapers, change of clothes for the boys, water bottle and lunch kit.
2.  Picnic basket:  Must contain cutlery, water, cold-cuts, cheese, napkins, sunscreen, and bugspray
3.  Star Wars Lunch Kit:  Must contain apple-sauce, biscuits, granola-bars, banana, nuts, cheese... really whatever fits and hasn't expired...
4.  Swim-Bag:  Must have swim suit, swim diaper, towels, swim-shirts, swim hats, sandals.
5.  iPod: music, apps, camera, toys, all in one handy package
6.  Shoes and hard-hats - coats optional
7.  Membership cards (ideally kept in a separate and mobile wallet)  Might include; zoo, library, Starbucks...

All of this must be available at a moments notice (often at the drop of a hat...) so that everyone can head out for the ultimate fun-filled afternoon.

It hasn't been a poor system.  So far I tend to only show up without hats.  Our urban transport vehicle is large enough that much of this can be kept inside without much interference into the "Dog's Space" and other than the lunch kit, often doesn't have to be maintained.

That said, a squire to handle the cleaning, care, and replenishing of provisions would be handy.  I'm thinking at some point Evan will be old enough to take on this job.

Given all the preparation Week 2 went by without much of hiccough, no bruises, no cuts, no welts, goose-eggs, or physical damage to either of the children...  yes, the children.  I did at one point have to scold Evan for playing with scissors, at which point he tried to cut off my thumb.  "Mommy!  I sliced Daddy on the hand!"

We got to the zoo this week, library, and did lots of shopping... shopping is more like an errand-grab:  get out, and grab as much stuff along a linear path and hope the youngest falls asleep and the oldest stays awake.  It too often has the oldest nodding off, while the youngest babbles away, which only has the drawback of the eldest unable to sleep until 10-#$$*%-30pm and the youngest cranky at the dinner table... small things.

My epic failure for Week 2 was trying to fit in a years worth of backlogged shopping into a couple of days leading to a few impulsive purchases... a $2K stereo system for your living room seems like a good idea at the time, but difficult to take back in week three with a toddler on your shoulders, and an infant in your arms...  Story to follow.  Moral - big expensive purchases do not help you feel better about yourself.

Enjoy the pictures... I'm about to write about week 3.

Rubber Boots in a Flood - Week 1

Let me say, I totally knew what I was in for and last week was amazing because I was so well prepared and organized.

Thank you for letting me say that.

Now. What really happened was (as undoubtedly you already are well aware of my best beloveds...) no amount of preparation is enough.

I am (was) a teacher by trade with enough experience to know that I can operate within those boundary conditions. In fact I would argue that I thrive there... At school... That's where I thrive.

Goal 1: be organized, have structure

I downloaded an app for the iPod called Wunderkit which should allow me a chance to strategically plan my week based on chores, activities and grocery lists. Picture of my categories attached.

From this you'll see I have 13 daily chores of which I'm currently 12 behind in at 11:15pm. There are 24 weekly chores of which I have managed to complete 11, which I'm incredibly proud of Toilet Cleaning be damned...

The activities for the boys are more of an idea generator, and it took so long to build I didn't even get around to creating a list of structured play activities.

If you want to see what I'm supposed to do in a day/week you can actually follow me on Wunderkit which I thought was a pretty clever way for starting out Dads to say, WTF am I supposed to do with my time.

Goal 2: Be Active

Boys need the outdoors a big stick, and some mud to play in right? Oh yes, and a sun hat... Oh and sunscreen... A water bottle, snacks, more snacks... Holy crap how much do toddlers eat!?

Okay prep was a failure, but play time at the Spray Park. AWSOME! And aside from the errand running, clean up, and bloody chores (and bloody knees) we did good. And AND my 1YO picked his own book from the shelf, and AND look at the title?! Right, RIGHT!! Done melts yer heart...

Goal Three - Get fit.

10 months of teaching made me fat. Okay, for me that means my waist has expanded, my tummy shows in tight shirts a little, and I finally have to admit to myself I'm in my thirties... So smart guy (that's me) decides Jillian Michaels is my go-to... Because my wife has her books and I spend the week absolutely miserably hungry eating raw nuts and sprouted grains angry at myself because none of it is going to do any good because I can't find the time to do my 20 minutes of cardio, 20 minutes strength training because I'm so done at the end of he day that all I can do is 20 minutes of Better Off Ted on Netflix... Pant pant.., see what Mean? But I digress...

All in all good goals... Leaves something to be desired for week 2 though.

Goals for Week 2:

Create Digital Footprint

Dads need a network and a way to share the stories from the trenches.

Create an "Arsenal"

All good men should have their battle gear washed, itemized and hung in the stable to be ready at a moments notice. Pictures of the arsenal to follow. Now where can I find a good Squire?