Dadvent Conspiracy

"I can do this."

That's how it starts for stay at home dads. They get a great idea, they have a wife who believes in them and at least one child who looks up at them with big glowing eyes and gives them the feeling that they are a world beater just before they fart and giggle. The kids I mean, usually not the wife.

Well, whatever. I said I was going to do the Dadvent thing, and one item on the list was to make a gingerbread house from scratch.

...And then I got this great idea. I was reading this "Do One Cool Thing with your Kids" app called Timbuktu (because you know all the coolest people you know get their ideas from cool-help books) and they posted a gingerbread recipe and I was like... woah there. This is the one.

"An amazing recipe to bake Gingerbread cookies with kids! via @TimbuktuMag"

Now hold on to your shorts (you who are lucky enough to live near either of the tropics) because this is where it gets wonderfully elaborate.

See there is this app I once used called 123D Make. (I include the details at the end 'cause it's free and like porn for geek dads... was that too crass? Sorry...)

First you draw a design, like this:


And it turns it into a 3D model that you can play around with like this:


But the best part is it lets you print off a template to build the model! Like this!


Remember what I said? "I can do this."

One 3D model design, one order of gingerbread and one wildly eclectic and adventuresome dad and we have the makings of a true sensation.

So I pulled up the recipe and I baked. And I rolled. And aside from getting the instructions backward at times, and putting it in the oven, and suddenly realizing that you can't cut gingerbread out using a template after it's been baked -- so pulling it out of the oven... I was able to start cutting, and trimming, and shaping, and then, when it was all done I knew I would soon have the COOLEST gingerbread tree ever created and my 3 year old would look up at me and realize that he has the single greatest father ever created and there would be angels dancing on my back lawn under the cover of twinkling stars... with a lute! Yes a lute, or maybe a Lyre.

Well, that's how I saw it going in my head.

Here's the timelapse:


So I ran into a problem. There was an inescapable design flaw. The template was built for cardboard I was definitely going to be working with -- well probably better tasting cardboard but it swells when it bakes!

My heart sunk and my dreams were dashed. There would be no more NHL in 2012. And my gingerbread tree wasn't going to be a stand-alone 3D-model, and my 19 month old was going to grow up a drunken reprobate... (Sorry to all you drunken reprobates who might be reading this... I mean no offence) And my beautiful wife, in all her house-coated glory, would look at me with sad eyes, and say, "Hon, -- the garbage?"

On to Timelapse 2. Did I want my sons growing up knowing their dad was willing to give up? Did I want them to think it was okay to be beaten by a bread? Did I have enough courage to press on, and was there enough icing sugar in the pantry to fix this disaster?


I did it. It wasn't what I thought it would be. It was better. Like marriage. Like my kids. Like my first prostate exam... will be... dear God I hope.



Dadvent. Tomorrow my kids will wake up, and we will break open bags of candy and together we will systematically destroy my sculpture and make it into something better. A memory... of time spent in the same room, making meaning from something utterly meaningless.

That's a door I want them to open. That's the conspiracy.

---

The "Two Apps I Mention and Endorse but Receive Nothing Aside from a Retweet in Return From But I Endorse Them Anyway Cause I Care About You" Header

123D Make Intro by Autodesk Inc.



Timbuktu - Free stories, fun and games for parents and kids by Timbuktu Labs, Inc.

Raising Napoleon

Let's make one thing clear; I am not, nor have I ever been a particularly avid history buff, or comic book grazer.  So when my wife gave birth to Bruce Banner and Napoleon Bonaparte I had no idea what I was in for, or how much I was going to have to catch up on to make everything okay.

I love my kids.  Deeply.  Dearly.  I do.  Even the fact that they can be so easily charicaturized  (yes, that's a word, now shut-up) as two anti-heroes does not defeat my deep and dear love for these two boys.

Bruce Banner was first.

I love that in pop-culture descriptors "mild mannered" always seems to accompany these deeply broken individuals who become super-heroes struggling to maintain moral integrity while wrestling with great power.  And this defines my 3 year-old.  But where's my SHEILD manual for dealing with this catastrophe.

I often wonder, if they could pull off a number of seasons of Muppet Babies, why not Avenger-Babies? Something that I could have gained some insight from.  Seriously, other than superman, I can't think of a single hero who's back-story about who raised him, and how it was done from diapers through adolescence was inspiring, accurate, or intelligent.

Like Bruce Banner, my son was born with a genetic defect that becomes magnified later in life.  Though in his case it would seem this came from his father, my son received his "malfunction" from his mother.  The layperson might see these people for what they appear to be:  beautiful, caring, charming, inspiring, thoughtful and empathetic human beings.  People are apt to like them.  Love them even.  Because, really, they are.  But underneath lurks a green monster, and something, or someone let the monster run free in my son.

It starts with a furrow in the brow.  You see it coming but in your naivety you pass it off as just a harmless flurry of intense thought, and you wonder why his gaze has fixed itself on you.  Then, slightly off put by the fact that this boy who typically vibrates, and rambles playfully has suddenly stopped and fixed two blue eyes directly on you, you realize that those furrowed brows are hiding an increasingly disturbing emotional build-up.  For the more observant you'll see it start in the fingers, as they curl into tight little fists.  Then the muscles in the upper-arms and chest will tense up.  You won't notice it at first, but suddenly you will become aware of a low guttural growl that seems to emanate from the floor and walls, and if you're not mistaken you can actually see them flex in an out in time with the deep breathing happening in the tiny frame before you.  A neck vein starts to pulse, and the smallest hint of green appears around the fringes of his lips and ears.  Not possible you say to yourself, no child can turn himself green.  This low growl gets louder as those typically large and pouty lips draw back into a teeth-baring grimace and suddenly you see a monster before you where once a beautiful toddler was.

And then the yell.  Hands are down, he's bent at the waist just enough to jutt out his jaw and lean forward. And with the ferocity of fireworks in a match factory your hair is blown back by the sheer force of pure-anger that erupts from this small frame which seems to have grown thirty-sizes.  Your only defense at this point is love.  You must pray that all the love you can muster from deep within your soul will suddenly rise to the surface and like the Care-bear Countdown, calm the monster and return the boy.

I wish I was exaggerating.

There are more times in a week when I "hear" the worlds "HULK SMASH!" coming from the playroom than I care to reveal.  Moreover I had a chance this week to actually use the phrase "If you're going to be smashing your brother's head into the floor, please do it on the carpet not the hardwood."  Which brings me to Napoleon.

Here again the body-politic would see a demure child with heart-melting bright blue eyes, and a smile that you want to keep in a jar and share with the world's most down-trodden. Underneath hides a scheming, megalomaniac with a significant inferiority complex, and, as this one year old learns to speak apparently, a bad french accent.  And this time the genotype can't be blamed on mother.  Nope.  This one is all me.

No, in this child we have a combination of long-standing franco-canadian heritage mixed with a healthy dose of english pride just waiting to be told, "you can't" or "please don't" or "stop" so he can excuse his ensuing behavior with the thoughts: "they should've known better."

Napoleon truly didn't fully emerge until the words started to form.  It's not mama, but "mamon", it's never no!, but a sharp "NON", and beyond that it's mostly mumbling and gesticulating with that incredibly powerful index finger.

Now I assume that the original Napoleon didn't have any trouble drawing people into favour with him.  A man who is able to anoint himself emperor and have countless fight and die on behalf of his autocracy would have to be incredibly charming.  We've got that nailed.  The original Napoleon was reputed to be remarkably small in stature. There again-- compliments of dad.  The original Napoleon was french.  I thought we might have to have an intervention the way this child scarfs down croissants, and certainly his ability to turn his nose up at any other food lately smacks of parisian heritage, but the real coup-de-grace comes with his language development.  I thought we might have a psycopath on our hands as he started walking around pointing and shouting "pain, PAIN!" but then I remembered that's bread-- en francais.  Children have a notoriously difficult time with the sound of the letter "L" but the french got around "l'eau" and "lait" with "wine" and believe me we're getting enough of that around here too.

As I said before, our history books and comic books never tell us the true story of what it was like to raise these icons, but there are days when a little dickie-wearing, button coated, silly hatted Napoleon is lying ass up, trousers down shouting "I weel not have my pants changed!" while kicking his two stubby little legs furiously sending "le poop" around "le room".

As a father, you often win, but when you have a 19 month old look you over as if he's plotting to overthrow you within a fortnight for making him sit through another "peetiful american meal".  Then you realize that he's actually manipulated a giant green-monster into his employ; sometimes you feel like you have to sleep with one eye open.  Or both eyes.  Well, actually I'm an insomniac.

And it isn't helping that while you held him down trying once again to wrangle a pair of elastic-waist Wranglers back on he is shaking his finger at you and blurting something akin to:  "Oh, you theenk you've whon thees one papa, but watch your back, mon amie, because me and dat giant, we are going to come in da night and burn your village to da ground. Dunnut theenk we won't."

Thankfully this week the pressure is off.  While "Bruce" was throwing a fit over why I wouldn't let him put his dinner back in the fridge so he could have "Gorilla Munch" he interrupted Napoleon who was in the pantry plotting out exactly how to arrange the shelves to "make eet look like an axy-dent."  Caught, he instictively threw his hands in the air in the universal sign of "wasn't me" and got his finger caught in the door as it came off the hinges at the giant green hands of "The Hulk".

So lately the military genius has been working at slowly getting back at the reactive scientist.  "Oops" he says "deed I heet you in the mouth wit my wadder boddle? Oh je m'excuse... was that your cookie I ated... Oh my I was theenking, did'ee want that toy destroyed, was that your favoreet? please won't you forgeeve me?  You see this giant purple finger of mine, still weeping from the pain you caused eet?  Yes, I have not forgotten eidder.  Sleep well mon frere.  Sleep well..."

I am just not equipped to raise Napoleon.

The Dadvent Calendar

I got to thinking today, what do we do at home to celebrate the season of advent?  For those that despise the season; how I can make it better for you?  For those that love the season; what can I do to add to your rich and stalwart traditions?

 

by Aesop, on Flickr - some rights reserved

Each year at our house, particularly now that we have young children, our Advent-House makes an appearance.  This is a wooden advent calendar that has drawers in it.  These drawers are meant to be filled with "treats" for the children to enjoy each day leading up to Christmas Day.  No doubt many who read this might share a similar tradition.  Rather than focus on treats though, I really want the advent season to help celebrate our family.

 I've arrived at something I believe to be worthy of sharing.  I call it "12 Days of Dadvent".  Something for Dad to do with his children to celebrate another year end, and bring relationship to the forefront of family life during arguably the most fundamental season for bringing families together (whether they like it or not).

 In order to participate (yes, I am asking you to participate) you don't even need an actual advent calendar.  What you need is a drawer, a shoe-box, a container, or  a pocket and then follow the instructions below.  You might need a couple days to get together your resources, but I promise you they won't cost much (if anything) and they won't be hard to find.

 How it works, in a nutshell: Each day of advent your children will open a drawer, envelope, fireproof safe, containing a surprise.  This surprise might simply be their favorite candy, or it might be one of the following 12 suggestions which they get to enjoy with you during that day!  You'll need to write-down, or print off a list ahead of time to ensure they're in there - if you don't want to go that far, you could just follow @stayathomegang on Twitter, and I'll be posting my advent list tagged #dadvent2012)

My Suggestions

feel free to comment with your own extra-specially great ideas use the comment feed below or add to the conversation on Twitter

1. Cook an extra meal and deliver it - We all know someone, or some family that has had a tough time this year, and could use a "pick-me-up".  Discuss with your children who it might be fun to surprise with a meal, and then (if they're old enough) prepare it with them.  Create a simple card to go with it that says something akin to:  Thought you could use the night off.  Then deliver it, anonymously or as a family.
2. Make a Christmas Card, or write a Christmas Letter - You might want to do this for someone in your life in particular who is special to you and your children, or it might just be something that you mean to do every year and you put off.  Whether it's a letter that you simply write to each other, or it's something you choose to send out take the time to tell someone in your life about the things you've gone through, or are thankful for this year.
3. Go for a walk during the evening - Pretty straightforward, but when it's something that you're children start anticipating through the course of the day it can quickly become something bigger than "just another night to walk the dog".  Around here, there's all kinds of reasons to be out at night during the winter.
4. Video yourself singing Christmas Songs - Whether you post them to your social network of choice or just watch them over and over yourselves a family that sings together laughs together.  And who doesn't want a family who laughs together?!
5. Make a Gingerbread House (if ambitious, do it from scratch) - There's something about bringing together baking with building.  This activity is both frustrating, and at times hugely rewarding but more importantly it is an activity that requires many hands, and time together.  If you're a stay-at-home or you're just looking for something to do in the evening this is an activity that can highlight strengths and weaknesses and helps celebrate each other.
6. Go to a Seasonal Event - There are lots of artists and venues out there hosting holiday events during the weeks leading up to Christmas.  Why not spend some time as a family choosing one at random and trying it out?  Many are free, and many you won't try otherwise so why not pick one some morning and book the day/evening off to go and take it in?
7. Cuddle up with a good old Christmas Movie - I am nearing the end of #noTVnovember and realizing the joy that a good old family movie night can bring.
8. Learn about a Christmas Charity - Notice I didn't say donate?  Sometimes learning about charities can be as important as choosing one to support.  Do this together.  Let your children lead the discussion.  Enjoy the time poking around at the organizations that are active this time of year.
9. Do something on your "Honey-Do-List" - Your children will love discovering that their treat of the day is to watch Daddy have to do some menial job that needs to get done, and they can put their feet up an enjoy the sweat and frustration as he tries to patch that hole, paint, or repair.  We've all got chores hanging over our heads, whether it's finally stripping the beds to do the sheets, or dusting the baseboards there is some odd job that you can all do together, ideally to blaring music that the advent calendar has instructed you to do.
10. Take a funny Family Portrait - if you're a stay-at-home then send it to your spouse at work.  If you're up to it, post it publicly for all to laugh at.  If not, just enjoy it at home.
11. Decorate a room - No doubt you have extra christmas lights, or decorations, or oddities and knick-knacks that you wouldn't put out publicly.  Get the kids together and choose a room that you can all decorate together.
12. Read about Christmas - It turns out there's a lot of history about the Christmas Season that the common layperson doesn't know.  I know this because today while I researched the tradition of advent (a tradition I've followed for years without asking why) I found out all kinds of great stuff that I didn't know -- for instance why Shakespeare wrote "12th Night" and how it is (or isn't) related to the 12 days of Christmas.

So there you have it; 12 days of Christmas Advent where you can spend some QT with the family and look like a super-dad while you're at it.  And that's why I call it "Dadvent".

In This Episode...

If you read this blog, and you must, because you are... whatever, my last post was about turning off the television for the month of November.  And we have... I mean we did.  I mean we are... what do I mean?  I didn't really think about how many ground-rules would be required ahead of time:  Is Netflix in-bounds, what about TV apps on the iPad, how much iPad constitutes a table-addiction, can we watch YouTube?  What if we rent a movie?

Add to that the toddler had a tooth-ache (okay a four-molar-alarm that required medicinal intervention) and a ridiculous dump of snow during a cold-snap and it was starting to feel like my TV moratorium was poorly timed.

But so was Sandy.  With all disasters comes a lack of timing, or rather, what time is the right time to have a disaster?

I lament.

And I shouldn't!  It's been good.  No, it's been great.  Well mostly great.  It's alright.  It's going fine.

This was the 1YO BEFORE the TV went off...

We're half way there right?  Are all months this long?

Enough of the side-talk, here's the deal.  I've learned some stuff already.

1.  TV can be therapy for stressed adults:  There is an onset of anxiety as one faces the prospect of an evening at home without the ability to disappear into suspended-disbelief with some reliable characters who have become replacements for our friends and community.  Thank goodness our mobile devices afford us the same distraction  (As our hands literally go numb from holding them too long).  At the same time my wife and I have had to turn to other things for therapy.  Sometimes it's even each other.

2.  A toddler's brain is much more plastic than mine:  It took but one day for the irritating nagging from my 3YO to turn on a movie, or a show for him was replaced by the beautiful requests of a regenerated 3YO boy who wants to explore his own creativity.  His one-liners have been captured on Twitter (#noTVnovember).

3.  Productivity in the rest of my life is directly related to productivity of my evenings:  Once I get the hang of finding things to motivate me to do the things on my to-do list then I start my to-do list earlier, and finish things more effectively.  In fact, much of my to-do list is finished prior to starting dinner, which means after dinner I find myself lacking things to-do... oops.  Maybe you find it easy to find ways of washing the carpets, reorganizing the junk-drawers, framing and hanging photos, rematching bags of 'lost' socks, and tightening toilet-seals, but before the TV went off these are things I "just couldn't get to".

4.  Even though our brains aren't as plastic... adult too can benefit from a vigorous reversal of the creativity dampening brought on by photon bombardment.  Case-in-point:

The Basement Campsite.

I have had the tent up in the basement for a while, mostly to air it out and double check that the seams are still good, because it's too small for the whole family now, and who the heck has time to go back-country anyway...  So I promised the 3YO on a whim that we'd set up a campsite a while back.  This past week we did it.

You don't need much, just some imagination, some time, and some eager toddlers.  We took down our Hallowe'en lights and put them in an upside-down milk crate for a campfire.  Nearby drum-sticks made grade false-kindling and the hula-hoop we've never used forged a perfect pit.  The lawn chairs came out of winter storage, and the plastic picnic table from the yard was brushed free of ice and deposited near the tent.  Some sheets and table cloths provided ample 'foliage' to create a back-drop and the pool-noodles double as amazing roasting-sticks.  A little background music provided by the Nature-Sounds playlist on Songza, and we had ourselves a retreat...  We've spent hours now, hiding from Augustus Gloop and trying not to fall in the Chocolate River (arrived at solely by the 3YO I promise you) and searching for animals with our plastic binoculars.  The tent doubles as a great wrestling mat, and the old toddler tunnel gives us great protected access to our new home in the basement.

Lest you think no TV only works for creatively-stunted Dads; Mom recently endeavored to design and create a new bed-spread for the boy complete with stenciled letters and airplanes to match the theme of the eldest's room.

Though the idea was sparked over a year ago, the impetus to follow-through only happened this week.  And the look of joy, and sheer excitement from the boys as the stencils were peeled back today was enough to make all the frustration of not being able to turn on the television during those tough times worth it.

Some might ask, "Do you actually miss anything?"   I'd argue I was missing more before it went off.

No TV November

I pledge to turn off the television for one month.

I'm going public with this, because I know there are others out there that need this.  They need to join my anonymous support group for TV addicted stay-at-home parents and they need to STOP, cold-turkey, today.

--Plus my wife won't let me do, "No-Shave November" (or more colloquially; "Movember"*) because my beard is ugly and scratchy.  So this is my compromise:  She, and the rest of my family are OFF TV until December 1st.

No, I don't believe it can be done.  No I don't believe you're an awful failure of a parent if you can't do it either.  I'm just saying let's try this together, and do it for our prostates... and if you don't have a prostate, do it for my prostate.  Actually that just sounds weird... just do it for fun... because you hate your life, and you want to make a positive change for your family... and there's no hockey anyway.

Listen-- in the masochistic world of stay-at-home parenting there are some tried and true methods of escape.  

First and foremost, it seems, is the television.

Though for many years the television was my humble adviser, my gracious friend, my companion and my confident, years later I look back and see the shallowness and contrite nature of our relationship.   Sure it  carried through on its promise of hours of entertainment.  Yes, it showed me the world as I longed to see it, it filled me with hope of a new and amazing tomorrow, and promised an amazing new car and shoes that would help me to fly.  But it didn't tell me I was going to have to get off the couch and work for it, it just came at me with more and more interesting flashing lights and loud noises.  (A man's arch-nemesis -- watch for my blog on why a man can't pay attention to you at a bar...)

So there might have been a time when I would shake the hands of the inventors of the original home-television sets, and said,

"Well done.  I shake you warmly by the hand.  Your work has brought joy to our homes particularly around the dinner hour when my young family can be distracted from sitting side-ways in their chairs, flinging potatoes into the air, and smearing tomato sauce onto their clothing.  Finally there is an escape offered after a long day at the factory."  

Now I simply wish to shake these geniuses, and yell:

"For the love of all that is good and holy, please do not submit the world to this plague.  You have no idea the reality you will forge with the phosphorescent demon of nature!"

Let me explain:

As October turned cold this year, and the positive physio-emotional response to being a new stay-at-home parent started to wane, the poisonous and addictive affects of the television-drug began to do its work.

If you don't relate to this affliction already then let this serve as a warning:  You will tell yourself, "I'll just let them watch 10 minutes in the morning before breakfast.  My kids are not going to be raised by television like I was." and you feel good, you feel real good because the one year old is not screaming for yogurt and the three year old hasn't yet destroyed the house.

It's a high.

It's a horribly wonderful high that, like the morning coffee, becomes less and less effective the more and more you abuse it.  Soon those ten minutes are just not enough to combat those bleak, dark mornings of late-fall.  Ten turns to twenty, twenty to forty, and pretty soon you're back on the television train and there's nothing you can do about it.

Sure you can turn it off by 8, maybe 9am.  Sure you can stop anytime you want to.  But do you want to?  Do you really want to leave it off when the 1YO is napping, the 3YO is not, but Netflix is calling to him saying, "I have Mighty Machines... Big and Mighty Machines..." and in that beautiful whine he's saying, "Daddy can I watch a movie now, please... I don't want puzzles... I don't want to do colouring... I don't want to paint... I don't like it outside... I don't think you're a very good parent anymore, I'm going to tell the next stranger I see that you abuse me and then the police are going to take you away to jail because not letting me watch TV is illegal..."

The time has come to take a stand-- To enter "the program" and get off the glow.  What started as a summer for exploration, enjoying the outdoors, frequenting the zoo and the playground, by the end of October, now looks like an advertisement for comfortable furniture.  Enough is enough, and I don't care what episodes I am going to miss, I am going OFF the sauce!  AND no matter how painful it may become, my kids are too.

If you believe in what I'm saying then make your pledge in the comment feed below.  I will be there for support; updating my status, and adding some pointers along the way @stayathomegang on Twitter #noTVnovember.  Let me know how it's going for you!

PS.  If I do make it through this and you don't... well I only have a low-grade addiction as my house has no cable so in theory this should be easier.

And for my next trick I'm going to go off the internet.  I'll call it "DSL-free December".  Just so you know I've already started cutting down, and this post was written by hand.

Footnotes:

*No Shave November is a solidarity movement to raise funds and awareness of men's-health related issues. Men grow the most offensive facial hair they can for one month, and a few of them get sponsors who support them in this.  I've heard it all started with a group of Finnish lumberjacks who got lost in the woods of Eastern Alaska in the 1950's during the month of November and one of them got Testiculitis or something.

**No beards were shaved during the writing of this post.  Well, here anyway...

Holy Hannah I'm gonna be a Hockey Dad...

There comes a time in every Canadian father's life when he rolls over checks that the time on the alarm is in fact correct, shakes off the weariness of a sleep cut short and then wonders deeply, "who the #*$& invented the NHL?!"  He will then endeavor to wake his child to force feed him remicrowaved porridge drenched in maple syrup in a valiant and unsuccessful attempt to mask the flavour.   He will have to bang the frost off the hockey bag stowed carefully along the coldest wall of the garage, away from Mom's keen sense of smell.  Then he'll toss the boy in the trunk, strap the gear into the back-seat, realize his folly, grab his coffee off the top of the car then drive down the road to the nearest hockey rink where he will make a gallant and bleary-eyed attempt to tie skate laces together on the wriggling and writhing wrong foot of an all to ungrateful brat of child.  Finally he will be able to refill his coffee and stare grimly across a dank smelling refridgerator of an ice-rink at boys who can't skate, chasing around a black puck while leaning too heavily on their luxuriously priced hockey-stick which they will outgrow by the end of the season.  As consciousness begins to defrost, he will realize that he's been staring not at his son who is skating circles in his own end, but the "Timbits" logo on the front of the jerseys.  That will remind him the level of coffee in his cup will not be enough to fuel the trip home and he will have to stop yet again in that cattle-train drive-through and add yet another doughnut to the growing girth around his middle.

At least that's how I see it going.  That is my nightmare.  Oh, how I pray I don't become a Hockey Dad.

The oldest unfortunately is shaping up to be a left-handed virtuoso, a marvel of physical achievement, a tour-de-force all compactly wrapped in the 20th percentile height/weight category.  It is with great pride and deep anxiety that I watch this 3yo take to the street to play hockey against the neighbourhood giants.  These eight to twelve year-olds have years of experience on him!  Towering above him, missing teeth, smacking well worn sticks against the pavement, they seek to intimidate and he stares up at them unphased.

"Give me the ball." he demands, and in the next fifteen minutes, he will out maneuver, out run, out play and out score some invisible opponent while chasing a ball he barely gets to touch often in the wrong direction and without worrying about what team he is on.  In those fifteen minutes he will get bowled over, tripped, start a fight with a five year old, and pretty much look like the oft-celebrated goons from the 1970's Summit Series.

How can I NOT put him in hockey this year?

We're a family of nerds raising a jock.  This week I "published" a children's book written in iambic pentameter with illustrations I made myself using an iPad.  I'm a drama teacher.  I play recreational soccer.  I can skate, but I can only turn right, and I can't stop.  I use a hockey stick to hold up the Thai Chili Peppers that grow in my indoor green-house, and I worry that other hockey dads are going to beat me up.  The only reason I know anything about hockey is because I listen to sports radio during my morning commute so that I can at least hold my own in conversation with the arrogant 14yos I teach in middle school who know every player on every roster on every team in the NHL...  and no one is going to want to talk to me, especially since my tiny little 4yo spark-plug is poised to become the next Theoron Fleury (without the unfortunate history, and subsequent torment), while their 6yos are still trying to figure out which part of the jersey is the front.  Who am I to hold him back?

I do worry about the injuries and the life lessons learned by competitive hockey players.  We're all aware of the hazing, and the spinal injuries, but lately all the talk has been the concussions... and good Lord is my son's head large.  But he loves hockey.  He wants it.  As a stay-at-home dad, and a Canadian, it is not only my curse, but my civic duty to support him in this.  Anyone have some old gear I can borrow?

Oh well.  I guess it could be worse; at least I won't ever end up a soccer mom.

Wait... what week is it?

In the life of a stay-at-home parent there comes a time when you only know the day of the week because the school calls to ask why the child has not yet arrived.  Weeks blend into each other, and the day no longer matters as much as the time-of-day.

Remember when the oldest still napped?

 I haven't been doing this for very long, but it has happened. I can't remember if that thing that happened was yesterday, or last week, or happened to a friend of mine... and that's without the sleep deprivation that most mothers enjoy while Dad is catching a few zzz's under his desk at work. I didn't know "Stay-at-home-Dad-brain" was a thing. Maybe it isn't. Problem is I wouldn't remember anyway.

Whaddya mean it's not Hallowe'en?

Perhaps it's just the inevitable result of placating the toddler schedule daily, rather than embracing the onset of early-middle age by doing things that are more age-appropriate. My friends remind me that it's not normal to be out of the house "doing stuff" every day of the week. That the growing middle age spare tire is a natural way of God slowing us down. The laws of causality are often misinterpreted -- we should not be pushing through this degeneration, rather we should remind our children to do this part of parenthood earlier in their lives.

What??!! Oh that'll get me in trouble with the masses. 

Bear with me, this brief anecdote should explain a few things, and then you can go back to wishing you were younger when your children are hanging off your knees begging you to "play with them." I was 10 at my dad's 30th birthday party. Old enough to be helpful, but not too old to be any trouble. That made me 20 at his 40th. Old enough to be trouble, but young enough to think it was cool to be there with my girlfriend. That made me 30 at his 50th. Young enough to respect my elders, and old enough to keep my mouth shut... It really was the perfect system. He was my soccer coach for years, but as an adult, we often found ourselves on the same men's team. Did I find it awkward yelling for a pass from my Dad, yes... okay... but... I just started calling him by his first name, and people just started assuming he was my brother. He was the unruly one at my stag, and he still bikes 15km uphill to see his grandson during the week. 

Anyway... what's my point... I don't remember I'm a 33 year old stay at home dad. I'm about 10 years behind where I should be and the silver-streaks are getting clearer by the day. 

 By the way, my dad's birthday's just around the corner. I guess he has taught me something. I guess all that time was worth something. I guess I can be thankful I get all this time with my boys. 

 I think I'm gonna go make him a macaroni necklace.

Thanks Dad.

The End of the First Quarter

"At the end of the first quarter, the score is all tied up and thus far it seems no one
has dropped the ball.  Should we expect more of the same in the second quarter?
This, and more to come after the break..."

How does a dad learn to identify the difference between a common cold and the beginning of a major infection like strep?  We took it pretty easy the last couple of weeks, settled into the school structure, and found some routine.  By all accounts we were aiming for a perfect week, and better yet, the oldest got to have his VIP day at play-school.  Too bad he had a fever, and couldn't do much more than lie on the floor for the morning.  One of the saving graces in it all was that Dad had to be at school with him so when he finally put his head between his knees on the washroom floor we could pack up and go.

But this is just a cold right?

Guns:  You can almost see the smile...

We pushed hard over the weekend, alright, I may have disappeared on a men's retreat to shoot guns and ride horses and reacquaint myself with my masculinity while my wife struggled with her own cold at home with a sick-boy and a 1YO, but hey?  Who's to judge?


By Tuesday the cold hadn't abated, and we found ourselves with a screaming toddler, clutching his ears and shaking because his "breath hurt" and "his brain was making funny noise".

This is just a cold right?

Holistic medicine as per internet instructions here we come!  We can solve this without antibiotic intervention. We're heroes!  Plus we have wireless -  I actually followed this site pretty close to begin with - http://www.ehow.com/how_2308277_treat-earache-toddlers.html .  Please don't judge me.

We got him back to school by Thursday but all was not well with the world, so (as the plan had always been) it was time to go to the clinic and have him checked.

A look in both ears, and the tonsils and we were on our way home for antibiotics for strep.

Ew...

And so, already proud father of the loudest child on the planet, now he's got plugged ears...

But this blog isn't all about mistakes is it?  (As a matter of fact I believe I state in the subtitle that it is...)  Okay fine, here's another one...

Remember, beautiful music and a app enabled phone can make anything look good - proof below:


If a boy looks well after taking Tylenol he probably isn't quite up for a hike yet.
When I say hike, I mean technical, root-protruding, gravel-skreeing, and steep...
When I say steep, I mean switch-back requiring, forehead-grating, tear inspiring...
When I say tear inspiring, I mean Dad must step in and carry all three...
When I say all three, I mean I took the dog too.

Sure, I could have parked at the bottom of the hill and walked 1km to the river.
Or I could have parked at the top of the hill and walked 3km down-hill to the parking-lot and not make it to the river.

No one had any idea how far it was to the river...

See what I did there, I excused myself by pointing out that we stopped before I forced us to make it all the way to the river without even mentioning that I also took the dog.

So with one kid on my back in the Ergo(tm), one kid clinging to my side wearing the Platypus(tm), a backpack reversed on my front, and the dog leash looped over my Wrist(tm) -- wait, I can't (tm) a body part can I? I trudged back UP the hill (Yes dumb-dumb, if you walk the boys down the hill you have to find a way to get back up) proverbial tail between my legs.

The weather and scenery were beautiful and the boys were into it... even if it was a little much.


Why must men always want to do things that are manly?  Especially at times when their manliness is compromised by sickness?  Like even at 33, why do I still play soccer when I'm injured?  Why do I stay up too late on a night I know I'll be up early the next day?  Like watch women's beach-volleyball? 

I have an answer for all that:  Men like to learn, and we learn best when we've lived through our mistakes.

Can you spot the mistake?

Falling Behind - Week 9 and 10

Of course when one decides to do something like make a post once each week one inevitably finds oneself addicted to some TV show released in the 90's that makes a subscription to Netflix somewhat justifiable and then never gets around to actually releasing anything.

Maybe it was because we took such a long holiday.

Lots has happened, don't you worry.  The kids are still alive even if they are bruised. (For future reference -- Coffee Tables, Couch Cushions, and Acrobatics:  On their own; good idea.  Together... not so much)

So there's this thing that happens to children once they arrive home from an extended vacation.  They become bored, listless, and complacent while exercising some newly developed entitlement to all things food or toy related.  It typically manifests itself as a temper tantrum where 3yo exclaims "BUT I DON'T WANT {insert any item or activity here}!" then falls to his knees on the floor wailing and tearing at his clothing.

This is not my fault right?

Day one of our return to routine saw Dad arriving back in the kitchen to son standing IN the refrigerator wondering if there was something interesting to eat.  My son, at three, is checking out the contents of the fridge when he's bored... who knew these things were genetic?

Rather than freak out, I thought (since I had predicted we were but days away from seeing this behavior while we were on holidays) that capturing it on camera would be in my best interest.  So here you go, for your viewing pleasure:

Now... surely this is not a safe activity.  Surely a father, being of sound mind, would not allow this to happen. And certainly not happen again.  Thankfully it seems I am still of sound mind because the boy has not ventured into the fridge at any point since.

"Dad, this is a long 'Do you understand'..." He says while being lectured on his behavior...

Even he sees why the students get tired of me at school...

Anyway it's not like it was going to get worse than this, right?

Tuesday -- the next day -- we are in that giant warehouse sponsored by President's Choice.  Me and the two boys.  All is going well... Pool Noodles (tm) are on sale for 45cents.  I put two under the cart.  Boys are very excited.  Aisles 1-8 go well.

Then oldest gets bored...  with no fridge to return to he hops out of the cart, grabs a pool noodle and makes his little brother laugh.  By hitting him with it.  Then hitting his dad.  Then hitting the lady walking by.

The littlest one can be his own share of devious...

Now... at this point Dad intervenes.  "Darling 3yo" he says in a patient and caring voice.  "You do realize that it is particularly rude to strike passer-bys with your limp foam extension correct?"

Boy laughs maniacally and runs through the produce section looking for victims...

Dad looks at boy in cart and then back at the oldest doing the 50 yard dash past the potatoes.  "Here we go" he thinks to himself.

Now there are three types of people that shop at the grocery store.  Are you person A?
A) "Let him go, he's the only interesting thing happening in the grocery store.

Could you be person B?
B) "Ha ha, he's so cute I don't mind that he's hitting me!"

or person C?
C) "Excuse me sir, is this thing yours?  Do you realize he's been running down the check-out lines hitting people with a pool noodle.  I really do think he should be accompanied by an adult."

Because I met all three people

To A) says I, "Yes, but at some point this is going to get out of hand"
To B) I say "certainly, but he needs to come back and apologize."
To C) I think... "you think an adult should be with him when he's hitting people with a pool noodle?"

Le sigh...

By Wednesday the solution was to get out of errand mode and venture back to the zoo.  The only place on earth where you're safe behind glass when the crazy monkeys are getting ready to be fed!

This one sucks blueberries from the pancakes...

Always the optimist I simply swallowed my tears and assumed that at some point life would return to a semblance of normal.

Oh for the weekend.

Beautiful wife, beautiful life... why does that boy have a stick.?
Have we learned nothing?!

Oh the humanity.  My darling 3YO literally burst blood vessels in his eyes from screaming about not wanting to walk 50 paces more in Comox.  But the frequency of these tantrums was increasing toward the weekend and not decreasing.  At this point I look down at the plastic wrist-band reminder I wish I wore with a "WWSND" engraved on it.  (What would Supper Nanny Do)...

My Mother-in-Law would take them to the fair!

and stick them all in a barrel...

I suggest Golf.

If you need a man to do something for you, hold the prospect of golf over his head.  It works for the 3yo.  It's amazing to watch a small boy with a loud voice go from screaming bloody murder to smiling and saying, "oh, that sounds fun, let's do that" within a fraction of a second when you mention that it is possible that while out at the lake we will be able to go mini-golfing.

And... though probably a poor way of dealing with things, each time the red-rage started to build we would simply point out that golf was on the line.

But you know what... I can still handle an hour of screaming better than most, and I always win.  The failure is in that I have to...

plus... one will learn from the other...

So we head into week 2 home exhausted, a little bit edgy and wondering why we never write stories about the 1yo.  Is he really that boring?

This past week brought the onset of Preschool, which, like the onset of puberty is unpredictable, awkward, and a gateway to incredible changes in your child.

I suspect that the first day of school (ever) is a big day for a lot of people.  Most (if not ALL) of them being women.  I am going to share with you what it was like to be ME (a man) on the first day of school...

"Darling son, it is not a good day to sleep in, you have school..."
"Darling son, it is not a good day to spit your yogurt out on the table, and get upset about not wanting blueberries mixed with your granola, I'm trying to decide if I'm allowed to label these clothes or if we've borrowed them from Mommies friends..."
"Darling son, will you please stop crying about wanting to wear your rubber boots, we have got to get going."
"Darling son, I'm going to start threatening things that I can't possibly follow through on because there's no way in **** we're going to miss the first day of school."
"Darling son, can you please buckle your self in this morning we're going to be late."
"Darling son, must you dawdle in the parking lot, the face that person is making in the truck is not as funny as you think it is..."

"Yes, Darling son, you may go play, and no I'm not going to leave right away there's a parent meeting."

No tears.  No detachment issues.  He hung up his own backpack and settled into the trucks within moments.  Even amidst the other screaming crying child-demons.

Dad exits the building with the lead teacher and the other moms (and dad) that have come for the first day.  Because going outside is part of the new educational philosophy that's Reggio inspired.... blah blah... natural light... blah blah... no plastic... blah blah blah... need some volunteers... blah blah preschool graduation committee... throw up a little in my mouth... blah blah....

I felt bad for not really caring deeply about my 3yo and his education (especially being so involved in education) and I felt bad for not really caring if the blocks he played with were made of wood or plastic, and not really caring if he got to decide when and what he wanted to learn about.

Preschool (it turns out) was all about me... I got two hours at the gym, bracketed by half an hour with my 1YO who yells at me in a much more tolerable way, and smiles with the most beautiful glowing, sparkling eyes.... and this speech was really wrecking my mojo...

Speaking of me... Our DinoTrain sidewalk art was a proud moment...

BUT -- they have signs that say, children should listen, and raise their hands, and be patient, and share toys... and when my boy came home he was excited to tell me about them.  And he's been a saint each day since.

Darn you Reggio inspired preschool and your leadership and training for my 3yo.  Why must you be so effective in the areas I can not be?!

Next week I get to spend the time actually in the preschool with the children.  I am excited.  I don't know if he knows I'm coming yet, or if he'll be able to pick a proper organic show-and-tell item for the day, but who cares... I get to see him at his best among other kids his own age.

And the youngest is learning to be taken care of by the amazing staff at the gym.

I'm not going to lie.  Getting the boy to preschool, particularly the more ridgid structure, is really hard on me. I don't know that my mood at the end of this week really is an honest reflection of how great it was to have a boy old enough to be enjoying some structured school time.  Nor does it reflect the best part of having him there which is the alone time I get with the youngest, counting fingers, making faces, listing body parts, checking out the ladies at the gym... wait... well okay, since I'm being honest, I let him check out the ladies, it's part of a natural healthy mindset for a boy... right?

Also healthy... toddlers learning to make fire.
That's a good idea, right?

Anyway...

An old friend got married this weekend, and the wife and I got an evening away from the kids, but we still spend most of our time talking about them, and missing them and wondering how we ever did with out them... and that's why it's so easy to fall behind on the blog... it means taking an hour or two away from the kids during the best time of life.

Now.

An Alternative Recipe for Art

I wanted to do something a little different and my DW had come across these great vintage pencil sharpeners while antique shopping with a friend in Comox.

A quick visit to Michaels and Ikea and I was ready to try and bring the idea I had to life.

Follow the pictures below if you care to try your own.

1 - Package of Vintage Cardstock from Michaels,
1 - 2$ Photo Frame from Ikea, and
1 - 1$ Toilet Pencil Sharpener (You can get these online!)

Remove glass, and backing from picture frame.

Use the backing as a template for cutting a piece
of the cardstock to size.

Use a basic glue-stick to attach the card-stock to the backing.

It is up to you, if you want to put the glass back in the
frame, or leave it out.  I chose to leave it out.

Use a hot glue-gun to mount the "fixture" - I had to improvise with a tooth-pick
to keep the toilet from sagging once mounted.

Finished product.

Repeat ad nauseum.  Not bad for under $10, am I right?

10th Anniversary - Week 6 through 8

I didn't feel much like a Stay-At-Home Dad the past few weeks because I had a lot of help, and we didn't exactly stay at home.

Ready to Go! (First picture with new camera)

My wife and I celebrated our 10th Anniversary (and our 14th year together!).  In honour of this special event I purchased her a new DSLR and planned a vacation.  The camera is an obvious choice (Nikon D3100) but you're probably thinking that planning a vacation is not all that special.

Although the last time I did that for her, it was our honeymoon, so I thought it was pretty significant.

Which brings me to

FAIL #1:

Planning anything with two active toddlers.

Organizing Toddlers...

If you have found yourself at home with two active toddlers, and you're thinking to yourself I'd like to surprise my spouse with something really special that will require some sit-down, organizational time and planning.  May I suggest hiring a baby sitter?  It really wasn't too bad... but it wasn't like it used to be that's for certain.  Thankfully, and for a change, I started months ahead of time, but the week of packing was the most difficult.

It took two days to pack the van, organize the food, complete the laundry and ensure that the list of items to take was complete.  We were leaving for fourteen days so it was important to be thorough.  Which meant that the boys either had to play IN the van while it was being packed, or they had to play IN the suitcase while it was being packed.

It happened though, and we didn't leave anything or anyone behind.

Learning to Read

You're anticipating FAIL #2 aren't you...

You're thinking that long road trips with two kids under four might be too much.  They're actually much better than you think.  We left on a Thursday night and only traveled about four hours from home.

The oldest walked into the roadside motel room (booked on Priceline) and exclaimed "Oh WOW!  This is great!  I really like this Daddy!  They have TWO beds!"  and I said, "Boy, that's exactly how a holiday should start, I now think this place is awesome too!"

FAIL #2

Be consistent.

Bedtime Olympics

The hardest part of the road trip was not the road, but the sleeping arrangements.  For the first four days of the trip the boys had to make a bed in a different place and it was interesting to hear the oldest bubble about how great the trip is, and every night pine for home.  It's a hard predicament; to want to make it all the way out to Vancouver Island from Calgary, see friends on the way, and do it in an efficient but effective manner.  Had we to do it over again I think we might have cut the drive to Whistler out of the trip to let the boys find a  place to set up for two days.  I think two days is all it takes, but a change every night is hard on them.

FAIL #3

You will never fit it all in.

Sorry Hendriks, we didn't get out to see you because you live further away than it looks like on a map of Canada.  The struggle with any big trip to places where you have friends is how do you fit all of it in, and maintain some sanity.  If people can't come to you, which often they can't, then you have to go to them.  If you're always going then you never truly find a rest which is what vacations are supposed to be for, right?

Relaxing Breakfasts

This fail is really only a pseudo fail though, because at the last minute we cancelled plans to travel too much once we got to Comox, and we cut our losses and chose a home near the water to set up shop for six days. By the end of the second day we no longer heard, "can we go home now" from the eldest.

For the Love of the Cowpoke

Part of the trip was for Andrea to see her friends too... It's not ALWAYS about me and the boys, and so we spent some time with our Military connections in Comox (all originally Calgary connections).  These times let my wife out thrift-shore shopping, evening gossip on the harbour, and beach dwelling with friends.

Spray Park Shenanigans

And why would you want to go home?!  The Island is so -- well there's a reason people retire there.  Not a day wasn't filled with some adventure, there is so much to do, and so much to see...

Comox

Lookout

FAIL #4

BC Ferries 

BC Ferries

These will remain a bane in anyone's travels not because of the BC Ferry itself, but because you just never know what is going to happen when you get there.

Attempt number 1: 

a) No Reservations - Justification:  we might want to spend an extra day in Whistler after we get there.  Prediction came true, so I look smart.
b) Wake up early enough to make the 10am sail - Justification:  We'll have lots of time to settle when we get to Comox.  Prediction came true, so I look smart.
c) No Alarm - Justification:  I have two kids under 4, who needs an alarm to get up early.  FAIL: Blackout curtains and late nights mean sleep in mornings for all.  I look like an idiot rolling over at 10 after 8 saying, "everybody up, we were supposed to leave a half hour ago!"

We made it to the ferry just in time... to sit at the ticket window because they'd closed the line ups one car before us.  Stress and anxiety abound for about ten minutes when the next sail opened up.

Unanticipated lucky break:  I didn't realize that you don't reserve every sail, and there was a boat leaving immediately after the one that I thought we'd missed.

Hunter Gatherers

Attempt number 2:

a) Reservations - Justification:  we need to be in Abbotsford by 3:30pm on a Sunday for dinner with relatives.  This is true, the extra money to reserve was worth it.
b) Wake up early enough to leave Comox to get to Nanaimo at least 30 minutes before sail to make the reservations.  This is true, we were good.
c) Plant a tree - When staying with people who have no kids for six days, no matter how much they love your kids, buy them something significant to remember why they never want to do that again...  then plant it.  Gift was well received but it pushed back the schedule
d) Buy gas - You'll need it to get to the Ferry.  This is true.  You won't look like a failure if you run out, no matter how expensive you think it might be on the Island.
e) Don't tell your wife what time you need to be at the Ferry - Justification:  she'll just start stressing if she knows that you're starting to run late.  This prediction is true, but can come back to harm you later.

Unanticipated Hiccough:  Simon gets sick on the way out of Comox all over the back seat.  It takes 20 extra minutes to clean up, and we're already late.

We made it to the Ferry (2 minutes late for the 30 minutes ahead of time) but there was a snafu with the ferries and there were traffic managers out in vests directing cars to proper line-ups.

"Do you have a reservation?" she says
"Yes" exclaims I, smirking and feeling smart.
"What time?" says she.
"Why 12:55 of course." replied confidently
"There is no 12:55" curtly responded
"Then 10 after 1?" I shrug
"You can't reserve that sail" she says.
"But I did!" starting to sweat "Maybe it could be 3?" I panic.  "I don't know let me find the reservation..."
"Here's your ticket for the line-up" she says. "If you figure it out, perhaps they'll let you pull out to the front."
"Thank you" I swallow all pride and start to drive.

And 500 cars later we're on the outskirts of Nanaimo wondering what is wrong that we're all the way back here.

STRESS.  ANXIETY.  DISAPPOINTMENT.

I pull out to speak to another traffic agent:

"Hey, I have a reservation here, it's for 12:15.  We were put in the wrong line up"
"Too bad"
"Pardon me what?!"
"You have to be in the line a half hour ahead of time.  You must be late"
"But I wasn't..."
"You're late.  If you're lucky you'll make the 3 o'clock sail."
"but..."
"get it line please"

STRESS. ANXIETY. DISAPPOINTMENT.

Wife: You idiot.
Me: Yes.
Wife: I'm going for a walk.
Me: Please talk to another agent.
Wife: Fine.
Me: I'll send a text saying we may not make it.

She leaves...

And comes back with a young male traffic attendant who seems extra eager to help this sexy blonde find a way onto the ferry.  He seems taken back when he arrives at the window of the van and she's married with kids.

"I'll radio ahead" says he.
"And you think we can get on?" says I.
"You should be good to go.  You have five minutes before it sails.  GO."
"Thank you." I blurt. "It is so good to know that men's chivalrous inclinations to save damsels is not only still alive and thriving but my wife is still classified as a damsel."

Okay, I didn't say that, but I thought it.

We were the last on the boat.

RELIEF.

Almost home.

Yard Party

Visiting family is always worth the extra effort, and ours is no different.  We arranged with our friends to meet them back at their place in Chilliwack that evening and have one last "Drink in the Hallway"... that's a story for my wife to tell though.

And then we were off to Sicamous for our last two days on the road, and some peace and tranquility... just need to find my wallet... yep, no I'm almost ready to go, but can't find my wallet... no I'm sure it was in the van... did you move it last night... no... no I know it goes in here... did you lock the van... can we look inside again... where's my wallet...

STRESS. ANXIETY. DISAPPOINTMENT.

A comedy of errors led to my wallet being left in the console of the van, the van being uncharacteristically left unlocked, and a errant traveller happening by early in the morning finding that luck had changed...  Fortunately we knew it was stolen because it was being used in Chilliwack as I was on the phone with the bank.

Sans an identity, and without cash we left with our tails between our legs feeling stupid and taken advantage of even though we realized that we had won the "stupid errors add up lottery".  I'm still sorting this one out today...

It was a sour end to the vacation.  And a FAIL we can learn from... but just outside of Salmon Arm there's a phone call that wasn't from the RCMP.  It was our friends from Calgary who just happened to be staying at the same Owlhead Creek B&B that we were going to!

Riding a Horse

Riding Paisley

Guidance

So basically every day of this holiday my boys had someone to play with, and we had other adults around.  Who planned this holiday?  (Have I mentioned I'm perfect?)

All gifts, failures, and moments of stress aside some of the best conversations we have is on the road, and this holiday we focused on one year of our relationship for every day of our travels.  That might have been the best celebration of 10 years we did.  Day one we spoke only of 1998, and by day 14 we opened up 2012. (We actually didn't have much to say about the last five years since it was all so fresh there was no point trying to relive them)... Overall, we realized how much of life we've shared, how much has changed, how much we cherished, and how neither of us can remember 2003.

10 Years More... at the Black Fin Pub, Comox BC